I need you, but
by jessspider
Summary: A short point of view piece of both Buffy and Angel, set shortly during or after A Lover's Walk. They can no longer be together but they still feel deeply for each other.


AUTHOR: Jessspider aka Spidereyes  
>RATING: PG, no explicit sexual acts<br>CATEGORY: Angel POV, Buffy POV  
>TIMELINE: After the episode LOVER'S WALK, kinda around the time<br>it snowed in SUNNYDALE  
>AUTHOR'S NOTES: This piece was written on account of the fact<br>that I was feeling too emotionally stressed to continue my  
>existence without expressing into words what it is that Buffy and<br>Angel truly feel for each other. It's based on the episodes  
>previous, mostly when Angel got his soul back and he returned<br>from hell. We're assuming here that Angel has regained his  
>humanity, that he recognises Buffy and what she means to him (and<br>speaks English of course), but that Buffy and Angel don't trust  
>themselves enough to be with each other again. So here, they're<br>pretty much wanting each other badly but unable to have each  
>other as much as that. It's my first BuffyAngel fic, but not my  
>first attempt at writing or posting. I hope that it agrees with<br>most of you, all I know is that if I hadn't written this,  
>would've died lol!. ( I wrote this a very long long time ago, back in my baby days)<p>

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Buffy, or Angel (though I wish I did).  
>They belong to Joss Whedon, Joss Whedon Productions, etc.<p>

I can smell her. The sweet scent that is Buffy. I know that she  
>is here, before she is here. I am glad that she has arrived. I<br>was missing her. Her beautiful face, those crystal blue eyes.  
>Eyes I have seen a thousand times, eyes that reveal the hurt and<br>pain she has felt because of me. Whenever I see those eyes, I  
>see the truth revealed within, and like a thousand times before I<br>wonder why she stays. Buffy deserves more in her life than an  
>eternity of sadness. Maybe, although the selfishness within me<br>would argue otherwise, she deserves someone better. It almost  
>goes without saying. Vampire versus slayer, slayer versus<br>vampire. Who ever heard of a vampire in love with a slayer. It's  
>the law. A basic fact of our reality. Vampires and slayers do<br>not associate in any other way other than to kill each other. So  
>what then of those who oppose that? Who live in the name of love?<br>I cannot harm her. I would never wish touch her in that way.  
>Intentionally injure her.<p>

I see the way her shiny, silky blonde hair falls gently around  
>her lovely face, its ends teasing the broad expanse of soft,<br>creamy skin exposed just below her neck. Her pretty little  
>shoulders round and smooth, just waiting to be caressed. I want<br>her so badly. I want to take comfort in her so much. Sometimes  
>the urge to kiss and love her is so great I feel like I could<br>collapse under the weight of it all. I picture her cherry  
>pillowed lips and feel the need to consume her whole, drawing<br>strength from the beauty that is Buffy Summers. I need her so  
>much. Like parched land needs the young rain. . She is my<br>guiding star. I'd be lost without her. Dependent, like the earth  
>needs the sun. I want so badly to cup her face, caress that<br>fine, baby skin in mild strokes with my thumb. Brushing against  
>her lips and watching her close her eyes in response to the<br>sensitivity that touch brings. Feel the emotions rushing in her,  
>of memories we once had, before I lost my soul. I lose my breath<br>every time I see her. The exertion alone to look in her direction  
>is incapacitating. Buffy I love you. You are a part of me and<br>always have been. It sounds implausible, but I believe that with  
>all my heart and the soul that I do have. Buffy, I am so sorry<br>for all pain and grief that I've put you through. My apology  
>probably isn't worth anything. But please believe me when I say<br>this, I really am truly sorry. I love you so much, hurting you  
>hurts me so much more. I know it's all my fault. I think I knew<br>that before it started. Your eyes reveal it all. I remember the  
>very first time I saw you Buffy. So pretty. My heart was yours<br>before you knew it.

Angel. That one single word has the power to knock all the  
>strength out of me, weaken me at the knees and send a storm of<br>seriously flapping butterflies in my abdominal region, all in one  
>go. I sigh. That one action in itself does not benefit me in<br>recovering from my condition other than to provide me with the  
>necessary breathing air to continue the journey that is so called<br>life. Angel. Such a contradiction in himself. My love, my  
>vampire, my heartache, my heartbreak. I make my way to the place<br>he's been living in for the recent months. I love you Angel. I  
>want to take you into my arms when you look so forlorn. I just, I<br>don't let that happen. I can't let that happen. Because we are  
>like two headlong, speeding-bullet trains on a dead straight<br>track for head-on collision. And when we do collide Angel, it  
>will be the biggest TNT explosion I have ever seen. We can't go<br>that way. Oh Angel, we cannot go that way...oh! as much as  
>I really want to. Angel the urge is so great. Every time I see<br>you, I just want to kiss you so hard, hard enough for my lips to  
>start bleeding. I want to touch your beautiful skin and feel<br>your warmth against the palm of my hand. I want to run the  
>length of my nose along that firm, sturdy jaw of yours. I want<br>so badly to plant a kiss, the gentlest of kisses on that strong  
>nose I want to call mine. I want to drown with you in your soul,<br>your eyes, remove the hurt we both feel. I want to brush my  
>fingertips over your lips and feel you respond. I want to study<br>your face in the loving way I know how. Oh Angel I want to love  
>you so much that it hurts. Sometimes I can't...I can't go on.<br>Why does it have to be so hard? I feel the first mist of tears  
>welling in my eyes. I want to remove that invisible burden of<br>guilt you place so high and heavy on your broad shoulders. You  
>never raise your head higher than necessary do you Angel? Always<br>so humble. I want you and it's so hard not to have you. It's so  
>hard to give you up. Why Angel? Why so hard? I need you now in<br>my life. I need to bury myself in your embrace, lie my head  
>against your chest, over your non-beating heart, feeling you breath,<br>the place I call home.

THE END


End file.
